It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
