Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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