I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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