Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
