I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
