Sacagawea was the original milf.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
