now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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