Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
