I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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