I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
