Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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