the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
sarcasm needs its own font
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
