im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
