Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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