My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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