I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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