Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
