I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
