My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
