I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
