also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
