Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
