It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
