mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
