The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
