All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
