Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
