I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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