he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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