So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
