I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
