I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I cut my penus on the lid.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
