a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
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