dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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