one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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