Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
