Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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