i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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