White coat. Heels.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
