am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
