and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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