your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
