i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
