So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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