he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
