Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
