The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
