Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
