shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Holy shit dude........stairs
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