You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
