Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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