On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
