if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
