I heard we made out
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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